I have been married for almost 13 years. For the majority of my life, I have been forced into controlling others, including my husband. Recently, this has changed. It's time for a new power dynamic. This journal tells the story, my story, of giving up control and learning the joy of submitting to and serving the love of my life.Proud Member of:
I haven't been doing this long. See that brief period where I was posting followed by years of no entries? That was the beginning. The and empty time was an almost total shut down of our relationship in terms of communication, sex, D/s, of even sharing with each other. That's not to say we weren't still okay. But, towards the end of that time, we weren't quickly becoming not okay.
Suffice it to say, things changed. Really, in the space of the last few months. It's been a struggle getting here, where we are now, which is basically, still in the first stages of the dynamic. We didn't pick back up where we started off. We started over. We didn't walk in blind. We were aware of the ways it could go bad. Some of them, anyway. We had already done that. This time, there is reading, researching, communicating, and taking things slowly.
It's pretty much like when baking a lovely cake (of the kind which I don't know what it's called and don't feel like looking it up right now). If you keep opening the oven and checking it or take it out too soon or too fast, the cake is going to cave. But, with proper directions, proper care, patience, when you open the oven, you will be greeted by the delicious waft of yummy cake that doesn't go "ploof" when you set it on the counter. Or something like that.
It's like something has just broken open and everything that was pent up between us, is flowing, easier and easier. I haven't really wanted to talk about it much. Didn't want to jinx it. Hush, we all have our superstitions.
Thing is, I just wasn't ever ready to give up. I look all over the scene, at the on the web, and read of others in long term relationships making it work. Those people often talk openly and honestly, about their trials and thier triumphs. It's obvious that it CAN work. With that, and the knowledge or belief, that really there is nothing my husband and I cannot do together (except be millionaires or change my health issues, obviously), I would get to this point of giving up, and then, I just couldn't do it.
Somehow, and in some not usual and some downright fucked up ways, we found ourselves back here. It's scary. On every level, really. Mostly, I think that we will hurt ourselves again. There is a lot of other fear at play, too, of course.
But, we have hopes and dreams and needs and desires. It's sometimes too easy for him to let life pass him by day by day. But, I have never been so inclined. I'm not blaming. It's just a difference in personality.
For my part, my health is fucked. It's a day by day, sometimes minute by minute roller coaster of moods, pain, anxiety, ability to move, ability to focus, it just all sucks at different levels and is constantly shifting. I've become quite different than I used to be. I don't like it. But, I am trying to learn to live with it. Not just be alive. But, to find a way to LIVE. At least sometimes. Sometimes that requires spontaneity. We aren't so good with that. Well, there's a lot of things we aren't so good at. But, thing is, Im a fighter. I always have been. In his own way, so is he. Me and he, we have dreams. Most of them we'll probably never get to. But, this one maybe we can and maybe it will be the best dream come true.
"Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)
"He Wishes For the Cloths of Heaven"
Sometimes, we need to be gentle and slow. Sometimes, we need to tread softly on our own dreams.
I've been in a lot of pain. No. Not from playing. The play helps.
It’s just my illnesses or conditions or whatever the fuck you want to call them.
I’ve been limited in what I can do physically. Mostly sit, sleep, cry, and be on my phone. The only thing that doesn’t hurt my hands immediately. Eventually. But I take breaks and I can go back to it.
So I’ve just had a lot of time to type and let thoughts come falling out onto the screen. Some of it is awful. And some is beautiful. Some makes sense. Some just doesn’t. I try not to judge it. It just is. So I just call it returning to journaling. Or literary madness. Whichever. I’ve decided to start posting some of it. Perhaps making an effort to actual be journaling in my journal, yes? There's a lot of happening between here and where this journal started. And where it left off. Been around a few blocks. I'm not really going to spend a lot of time catching up. That feels too similar to updating your history when you bounced on your physiatrist for a few years and then end up back in the office. So, we'll just....move forward okay. And I'm sure as time goes on, the important blanks will be filled in.
….The clouds around the moon right now they are magical. Orangey and pink and fluffy and mysterious but not in a creepy way. Like something from the princess bride or never ending story. Or maybe falcors fur.
And the moon is bright and glowing right in the center of them. Perfectly round. Looks like anyway.
I can’t really see that well. But I can see enough. I used to have this crazy idea that my blurry vision is what allowed me to see such beauty. Then I got my fisrt glasses in over 20 years. In 2011. It wasn’t my vision making the world beautiful. My eyes were making the worlds beauty blurry. I’ll be glad when I get my glasses fixed. Lmao.
Gotta try to sleep now. I will start having an actual bedtime here soon. But, it's hard to sleep with this pain. And no, I don't just mean the hubs. 😉
It was all very rational, each item I put in my cart. Each was going to save us money, make us more productive, make us healthier....
I put some stuff back, like the shower curtain, the bath mat, even the over the toilet shelf.
At some point, I realized that no more how I added it....it added up to too much.
Yet, I walked to the check out anyway. My mind began to question, was i stupid, on auto pilot, what the hell?
We couldn't afford these things, no matter the rationale. I was thinking about the last trip, 400 dollars. I was thinking about the look on joes face. I was thinking stop. I kept going. Like I wasnt in control. It made sense. I was smarter than this.
I even told thencashier that my husband was going to kill me. Aw, everybody says someone gonna. No my husband really would.
It feels bad to finally understand I don't know what to do. I don't know if it sucks more to not know what is going on or to be fully aware of it and still unable to do anything. I can see it all coming like a freight train. And I am powerless in front of it. Utterly powerful.
Friday, I was productive, yesterday less but angrier, today, mellancholy.....then walmart.....now depressed.....
What am I gonna do with me?
I'm so scared. I don't know how to save myself from the one thing I fear more than anything in the universe. I want to run so I don't hurt those I love. I want them to put me away.
I know and I understand now. Too late. I'm fucked.
How do you escape yourself?
It just hurt when he was angry at me. So much. I wanted to tell him that I didn't mean to. But my brain was still stuck in justification mode. It doesn't feel fair at at point. It doesn't feel fair for him to be angry at me either. I tried to stop. I couldn't help it. And that sounds like an excuse. I know it does. Believe me. I have heard them all. So what could I say? What can I say? How do I tell him that I am unraveling? Even though he can't see it.
I know this is only going to get worse. I'm aware of it. I know that counseling won't do a fuck lot of good. So what do I do? I may be physically here and healthy, but to me.....in my world. This is as good as death. I'm losing my mind, my will, my control over emotions and actions, and thoughts. I might as well be dying.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.
I call this the recession condition.
It's the mental state of temporary insanity when one gives up hope and decides that being a criminal is more Profitable a life than being an upstanding citizen.
I think I have possibly been barely lucky enough to return to a sane place before tong term damage was done. Like jail.
I think if I start being honest with people about what want, if I put my energy into learning things (like how to manage debt), and how to convince your employer to let you have funky hair and peircings so long as you don't scare the public and it's tasteful and you do your job (like Abby, even though Abby does scare people sometimes and she's way more useful and smarter than me).
I think Intralot broke a part of me that had been cracked for a long time. But perhaps partly due to my own misguided understanding that in order to have money and live a good life you don't have to have the best job, so long as it's a job you can deal with and you learn to manage money.
I need to find a way for my husband and I to have a balanced re
Be happy and honest with everybody and never give anyone a reason to dislike you....hahaha oh I must mean I need to be perfect. What if I make a mistake? And i get fired from my job? What's if I trip and spill coffee on someone and that persons having Abadan day and they decide if did it on purpose and hate me for it. What if I hurt my child? What if I hurt joes feelings by saying something as a joke that he doesn't understand??
What if I die from my pancreas? Do I really wanna spend the rest of my life eating mashed potatoes and broth? Ugh.
Wow I think I am having a panic attack but I can't tell if it's just because of the pains meds or being alone or just freaking out or oeverreacting, maybe from being messed up and watching prison break...
How did I get here? I was watching tv, went outside to smoke, starting thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in stuff that you had nothing to do with...and thought about how if cops want you they really can get you, even if you're smart, and I'm not near that smart, and yet I. Run ing the roads like cops don't really exist, playing with pimps, getting threats from other girls ..... Immature get myself killed...
Whooooooo......I sure hope I sober up soon.
Anyway so I was thinking all that outside and it was freaking me out, and I was saying "I'm done". And when I finished my smoke I went back inside and turned on my laptop and searched for my resume, I had a clean one that stopped at advantage, and a fucked up one that had info from Intralot on it. And I sat there thinking of adding a section to the top about how unique and awesome I can be, how friendly and knowledgeable an employee I would be if they would only let me have random peircings and black hair with a stripe, said stripe to be any color I chosse and changeable at my will. I then launched into a mental
Sermon that in today's society employers should be open minded and accepting that looks are not as important as they were even 20 years ago. People who are smart, kind, and capable come in all shapes, colors, and adornments. So long as the aren't stinky they should be allowed the freedom of non conformity especially when it comes to the place they spend more of the waking hours every week than being at home. I thought about all of this and I sadly realized that even though my little speech was true in what I really felt in my heart, that I certainly couldn't put it on a resume, or possibly even tell anyone. I returned to the living room, unsure of myself, doi try for the impossible by either subjecting myself to all kinds of dangerous risks, or by trying to get a real job that offers all that I want? or do I hang my head and realize I will never get what I want and try to live as unmiserably as possible?
Was it my pancreas or the thought of giving end that caused my nausea?
Either wayi left the resume's open on the laptop and came in here to the couch and typed it only iPad.
Still hoping I sober up soon. But then again, I will start hurting then...
Sigh. I guess I'll look. Over this whenever I am sober again
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.
It was motivating to have the daughter here when I did my ecercises in the morning, even if a little annoying at times.
I am finding myself lacking motivation to exercise this morning. So, I am going to put it off for a little while. But, I will get it done before noon. It's only arms today, I can handle it.
So, today's plan is :
Start dinner in crockpot, smoke, hiar, makeup, coffee, video chat. At some point today, I have to fit in two hours of play time. :S
Let me explain via my morning email from Daddy yesterday.
" I love you. I hope you have a good day today. I miss you.
Exercise (you’ve missed several days) – Every day
Schoolwork (I want you to help me stay on top of school this week) – Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday
Housework (I expect one thing to be done everyday, completely. It can be the bedroom or the bathroom or one of the kids’ daily chores) – Every day
Entertainment (You need you time. Read a book, watch a movie, play XBox – XBox is required for at least one hour on one day) – Tuesday and Friday, two hours minimum each day
Cam Work – I have no requirements regarding this. With the exception of maybe Friday nights and some Saturday nights, I want to sleep in my own bed at night. I would rather you didn’t spend every afternoon (defined as time when kids and I are home on weekdays) working, as this takes away from family time and erodes at family solidarity and support over the long run.
On days when you have appointments, whether family health or work related, adjustments can be made to the requirements, but you will have to ask me what adjustments you can make on a case by case basis.
I want you to find that piece of paper Tommy gave us and maybe contact some of those places, see what kind of assistance we can get.
I love you."
So, exercise (arms), housework (laundry), two hours fun stuff (blargh), cam work....also have to call health insurance and drop off prescriptions at the pharmacy.
I am supposed to make a short trip this weekend to Lake Charles. If all goes well, things could look a little better soon.
Which is good, becuase right now, things are looking pretty much bleak. My gas light is on in my car, there is no more cereal in the house, and I am out of coffee creamer.
This is a big deal becuase these three things rarely if ever happen, and never all at once. Desperation is beginning to set in. I may have to go down and walk the A&P Route if shit doesn't get better.
Im only half kidding.
Though, I was pretty proud, yesterday I made over 20 bucks on the cam site. That's a first. Wonder if I will do well today.
Okay, moving along now.
- Tags:escort, fear, feelings, information, j, marriage, meds, money, need, notes from daddy, random thoughts, rules, sexcam, stress, thoughts, whine, work
- Location:United States, Louisiana, Gonzales
- Music:Q-Project - Faith in Kaos
HIM: Hadn't heard from you in a while. I thought you had fallen off the face of the earth.
ME: No. Not yet. But, when the planet flattens out, I will have to buy some eyeglasses.
HIM: Hopefully no bifocals.
ME: bifocals can be hot, you know.
HIM: If anyone could pull it off, it'd be you.
ME: Ah. you are too kind. No, I have just been a little busy, a little mopey, and a little stressed out.
ME: But, the busy is over for now.
HIM: But mopey and stressy are hangin' around?
ME: for the moment.
ME: I also have horny, angry, sexy, and flirty to contend with. But, those elves are always hanging out here.
ME: I should put those little bastards to work!
- Tags:depression, ephiphany, feelings, funny, lol, random thoughts, sharing, stress, thoughts, whine, work
- Location:United States, Louisiana, Gonzales
- Music:Non - I just rebooted my puter.
Maybe it doesn't happen in everyone's life. But, it happens a lot in mine, for some reason. Perhaps it is because I yearn, search, and stretch to constantly reach new heights. New levels of knowledge, joy, hope, control or the lack of it, pleasure, pain....it's all part of the human experience and I want all of it.
I can taste life. Moment's leave a flavor in my mouth, for good or bad. That alone is motivator enough for me to shape my table of moments into something that is appealing, to me, not necessarily anyone else.
And so, i find myself in the place, at this point, where my life has diverged from all that seems normal. I know that isn't true, in actuality, that i am just living exposed and free in the thoughts that others would not even admit to themselves that they have. Isn't that an issue , though?
I feel removed from friends. I feel myself searching for the common thread that I share with each one. For some, it's simple things, beer, football....what happens when football season ends? I know I have made these choices. I love my life, mostly, except the no money part. But, I feel as if where I have become free, I need to hide these parts of me from others, because others are not quite ready for the real me. So, instead, i withdraw because I find it hard to keep my mouth shut about my happiness.
How do I fix this? And does it really matter when you have no money? lol
We have finished the bag of Reese's pieces. Now, we are on mini-cups. At some point this week, my responsibilities, rules, and requirements will begin to increase. I don't know if I am ready for this. In the end, it does not matter if I am. It is time. I have set it in motion. Now, for the follow through.
No, I know this isn't necessarily an interesting blog post. I have many other things I COULD write about. The fact is, I just don't feel like it.