It was all very rational, each item I put in my cart. Each was going to save us money, make us more productive, make us healthier....
I put some stuff back, like the shower curtain, the bath mat, even the over the toilet shelf.
At some point, I realized that no more how I added it....it added up to too much.
Yet, I walked to the check out anyway. My mind began to question, was i stupid, on auto pilot, what the hell?
We couldn't afford these things, no matter the rationale. I was thinking about the last trip, 400 dollars. I was thinking about the look on joes face. I was thinking stop. I kept going. Like I wasnt in control. It made sense. I was smarter than this.
I even told thencashier that my husband was going to kill me. Aw, everybody says someone gonna. No my husband really would.

It feels bad to finally understand I don't know what to do. I don't know if it sucks more to not know what is going on or to be fully aware of it and still unable to do anything. I can see it all coming like a freight train. And I am powerless in front of it. Utterly powerful.

Friday, I was productive, yesterday less but angrier, today, mellancholy.....then walmart.....now depressed.....
What am I gonna do with me?

I'm so scared. I don't know how to save myself from the one thing I fear more than anything in the universe. I want to run so I don't hurt those I love. I want them to put me away.

I know and I understand now. Too late. I'm fucked.
How do you escape yourself?

It just hurt when he was angry at me. So much. I wanted to tell him that I didn't mean to. But my brain was still stuck in justification mode. It doesn't feel fair at at point. It doesn't feel fair for him to be angry at me either. I tried to stop. I couldn't help it. And that sounds like an excuse. I know it does. Believe me. I have heard them all. So what could I say? What can I say? How do I tell him that I am unraveling? Even though he can't see it.

I know this is only going to get worse. I'm aware of it. I know that counseling won't do a fuck lot of good. So what do I do? I may be physically here and healthy, but to me.....in my world. This is as good as death. I'm losing my mind, my will, my control over emotions and actions, and thoughts. I might as well be dying.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

I call this the recession condition.

It's the mental state of temporary insanity when one gives up hope and decides that being a criminal is more Profitable a life than being an upstanding citizen.

I think I have possibly been barely lucky enough to return to a sane place before tong term damage was done. Like jail.

I think if I start being honest with people about what want, if I put my energy into learning things (like how to manage debt), and how to convince your employer to let you have funky hair and peircings so long as you don't scare the public and it's tasteful and you do your job (like Abby, even though Abby does scare people sometimes and she's way more useful and smarter than me).

I think Intralot broke a part of me that had been cracked for a long time. But perhaps partly due to my own misguided understanding that in order to have money and live a good life you don't have to have the best job, so long as it's a job you can deal with and you learn to manage money.

I need to find a way for my husband and I to have a balanced re
Ationship again.

Be happy and honest with everybody and never give anyone a reason to dislike you....hahaha oh I must mean I need to be perfect. What if I make a mistake? And i get fired from my job? What's if I trip and spill coffee on someone and that persons having Abadan day and they decide if did it on purpose and hate me for it. What if I hurt my child? What if I hurt joes feelings by saying something as a joke that he doesn't understand??

What if I die from my pancreas? Do I really wanna spend the rest of my life eating mashed potatoes and broth? Ugh.

Wow I think I am having a panic attack but I can't tell if it's just because of the pains meds or being alone or just freaking out or oeverreacting, maybe from being messed up and watching prison break...

How did I get here? I was watching tv, went outside to smoke, starting thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in stuff that you had nothing to do with...and thought about how if cops want you they really can get you, even if you're smart, and I'm not near that smart, and yet I. Run ing the roads like cops don't really exist, playing with pimps, getting threats from other girls ..... Immature get myself killed...

Whooooooo......I sure hope I sober up soon.

Anyway so I was thinking all that outside and it was freaking me out, and I was saying "I'm done". And when I finished my smoke I went back inside and turned on my laptop and searched for my resume, I had a clean one that stopped at advantage, and a fucked up one that had info from Intralot on it. And I sat there thinking of adding a section to the top about how unique and awesome I can be, how friendly and knowledgeable an employee I would be if they would only let me have random peircings and black hair with a stripe, said stripe to be any color I chosse and changeable at my will. I then launched into a mental
Sermon that in today's society employers should be open minded and accepting that looks are not as important as they were even 20 years ago. People who are smart, kind, and capable come in all shapes, colors, and adornments. So long as the aren't stinky they should be allowed the freedom of non conformity especially when it comes to the place they spend more of the waking hours every week than being at home. I thought about all of this and I sadly realized that even though my little speech was true in what I really felt in my heart, that I certainly couldn't put it on a resume, or possibly even tell anyone. I returned to the living room, unsure of myself, doi try for the impossible by either subjecting myself to all kinds of dangerous risks, or by trying to get a real job that offers all that I want? or do I hang my head and realize I will never get what I want and try to live as unmiserably as possible?

Was it my pancreas or the thought of giving end that caused my nausea?
Either wayi left the resume's open on the laptop and came in here to the couch and typed it only iPad.

Still hoping I sober up soon. But then again, I will start hurting then...

Sigh. I guess I'll look. Over this whenever I am sober again

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

It was motivating to have the daughter here when I did my ecercises in the morning, even if a little annoying at times. 
I am finding myself lacking motivation to exercise this morning.  So, I am going to put it off for a little while.  But, I will get it done before noon.  It's only arms today, I can handle it.

So, today's plan is :
Start dinner in crockpot, smoke, hiar, makeup, coffee, video chat.  At some point today, I have to fit in two hours of play time.  :S

Let me explain via my morning email from Daddy yesterday. 

" I love you.  I hope you have a good day today. I miss you.

Exercise (you’ve missed several days) – Every day

Schoolwork (I want you to help me stay on top of school this week) – Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday

Housework (I expect one thing to be done everyday, completely. It can be the bedroom or the bathroom or one of the kids’ daily chores) – Every day

Entertainment (You need you time. Read a book, watch a movie, play XBox – XBox is required for at least one hour on one day) – Tuesday and Friday, two hours minimum each day

Cam Work – I have no requirements regarding this. With the exception of maybe Friday nights and some Saturday nights, I want to sleep in my own bed at night. I would rather you didn’t spend every afternoon (defined as time when kids and I are home on weekdays) working, as this takes away from family time and erodes at family solidarity and support over the long run.

On days when you have appointments, whether family health or work related, adjustments can be made to the requirements, but you will have to ask me what adjustments you can make on a case by case basis.

I want you to find that piece of paper Tommy gave us and maybe contact some of those places, see what kind of assistance we can get.

I love you."

So, exercise (arms), housework (laundry), two hours fun stuff (blargh), cam work....also have to call health insurance and drop off prescriptions at the pharmacy.

I am supposed to make a short trip this weekend to Lake Charles.  If all goes well, things could look a little better soon.


Which is good, becuase right now, things are looking pretty much bleak.  My gas light is on in my car, there is no more cereal in the house, and I am out of coffee creamer. 
This is a big deal becuase these three things rarely if ever happen, and never all at once.  Desperation is beginning to set in.  I may have to go down and walk the A&P Route if shit doesn't get better. 

Im only half kidding. 

Though, I was pretty proud, yesterday I made over 20 bucks on the cam site.  That's a first.  Wonder if I will do well today.

Okay, moving along now. 

kandy

I find that I don't know how to start this.  But, as usual, I know that if I just begin typing, it will all come out okay.  It's Saturday morning.  I am sore.  I am worried, hurried, and have so much to do today. So much has happened this week, things that have pushed my hand one way or another.  Other things that have occurred have pleased me, enamored me, turned me on....but my overwhelming feeling is concern.

Yes, I lost my job lost Sunday.  I knew it was coming.  I had hoped to be able to get myself in a position where I could quit, with relatively small backlash in the financial realm before I got fired.  It just didn't work out that way.  The problem is that I am not perfect.  In a job where I am learning as I go, yet there is no room for error....well, I just don't do well.  I make mistakes.  I know that's unheard of...ha-ha. Suffice it to say, I made a mistake that was very, very costly to the company.  I caused heavy fines to be imposed.  A decision was made and I cleaned out my desk, turned in my badge and came home.  Rather calmly, I did all of this.  I cried a bit once I was home.  Daddy wasn't mad; he understood and knew that I had done my best.  Though, he did ask me if I thought maybe I had done some self-sabotaging.  That ruffled me a bit. I would think by now he would know that I don't do self-sabotaging when it concerns my children's well-being.  But, I know it was just a question.

And so I moved forward.  I had placed an ad on Craigslist the week before, seeking large cocks for practice.  I had already been fielding emails and scheduling appointments for most of the week. The first week (this week) was already booked up, with one appointment each morning 8-11 and one in the afternoon 12-4.  I had also scheduled a few the following weeks. At the urgency of my situation, I decided to shorten the practice period down to one week.  I sent an email to all of the practice cocks stating so, and that if they were scheduled for the following weeks, or had not been scheduled yet, there would be a Gang Bang Friday afternoon.  The only caveat was that I needed a host of someone to get a room.  I received well over 30 affirmative responses. 

Sunday night, Daddy and I took some time to ourselves.  We had therapy.  The under the influence kind.  We fucked for hours and we talked about where we were and where we are headed.  He decided to stay with me on Monday.

Monday, I went for my first laser hair removal treatment.  It wasn't bad. Little zaps that sometimes made me jump or flinch and sometimes the hair could be smelled burning.  Then, Daddy and I went to eat at "the really good shrimp poboy place".  That's what he calls it.  But, I had a fried oyster poboy.  It was delicious.  We spent the rest of the day hanging out and being with the children. Before bed, Daddy shaved my pussy smooth in preparation for Tuesday's activities.  

I won't bore you with all the details, but out of all of those cocks, even with some fill in attempts, only ONE guy kept his appt.  And he was a last minute fill ion!

That was Tuesday morning.  He gave me his address.  All the way in the back of the biggest apartment complex I have ever been in.  I could tell it was maybe government subsidized housing.  It made me a little nervous, but not too bad.  I was dressed simply, in blue jean shorts and a butterfly ruffled sleeveless skirt.  My pussy was wet and quivering.  The guy's cock shot has been tantalizing. My hair was down and not too frizzy and a slipped on some sparkly pink lip gloss and my pink shades.  I was wearing my gold sandals (yes, the ones that made me break my foot).  I had a little purse with essentials in it: k-y, condoms, my phone, etc.  I parked well away from the door as I wasn't keen on being seen getting out of my car from his window.  I walked to the apartment and after a minute of trying to figure out the numbering system, went into the stairwell.  My heart was pounding. I rang the doorbell. 
It was answered.  He was tall, black, attractive, and a little jumpy.  After reassuring him that it was a free deal and everything was fine, he looked me up and down and said something like well, let's go.  (Or something like that. I was smiling ear to ear, but my blood was pounding in my ears.) 

I took off my shoes, shorts, and panties.  I dropped to my knees in his living room.  I unbuckled his pants, and retrieved my prize, and what a prize it was!  Soft, I could still tell this would be a challenge for me.  My eyes must have bugged out a little, because he chuckled.  I looked up at his face, took his prick in my hands and without any more ceremony than that, and placed my lips around the length of him.  I got to work.  He grew even more in my mouth. I didn't stop, slow down, or gag.  I must have been doing something right because he groaned, turned himself sideways and plopped down on the couch, his dick still in my mouth. I loved this display of his pleasure, got my worked right up.  I did what he wanted, what he needed and I took his cock all the way into my throat. I pushed past the tight ring of my throat.  (I have learned that if you push against the roof of your mouth with the cock right near the back of your throat, it helps to open your throat up.) I held his cock there for a bit, my throat naturally closing and opening on him, massaging him, and I listened to him moan.  When I couldn't breathe anymore, I moved my head back a bit, gagging a little.  I find it amusing that I don't gag when putting cocks into my throat, only when removing them.  I pumped his cock in and out of my throat for a bit, reveling in the power that I had over this complete stranger, that I could make him wiggle and writhe.  I think that in itself is one of the main reason I love sucking dick. 
After a bit, he got up and positioned me on my back, and adorning himself with a rubber, slid the super sized dick into my cunt.  Whew.  Can you say wow?  I mean, he was big. Really big.  He fucked me that way for a bit.  I was already wet and he had me moaning in no time, just from the sheer size of him. 

Then, he flipped me over, sticking his fat cock into my pussy from that direction, made it an even tighter fit. And then....he wanted to fuck my ass.  Well, not many people have done this, you know.  But, I was ready.  I handed him the lube and presented my butt for his pleasure.  I wiggled a little and said "be Gentle, at least, at first."  He put the head of his dick against my asshole and pushed in, all the way, in one stroke.  I don't really know what you'd call the sound that came out of me....something like a scream, squeal, moan....god, it hurt. It felt he was splitting me right open. Without much (okay, any) adjustment time, he began fucking the hell out of my ass. I guess most people might have yelled or stopped him at this point, though I must have been making some noise, as he kept telling me to be quiet...stop did not ever come out of my mouth.  Part of the reason for this, was I wanted to see what I could handle, and how it felt to truly be used as nothing but a set of holes....the other reason, sick as it is, was that I liked it. He pounded me for a few minutes, then pulled out, removed the condom, and jerked himself to a finish on my tits.  I have to be honest here, I always thought they did something to guys' cum to make it that thick and white.  I guess not.  When he came on me, I looked down and said "Wow, that's awesome."

He got me a rag.  It was nice of him.  While he in the restroom, I couldn't resist a little taste.  He tasted salty, that's all. He even brought a warm wet rag....guys, this is so important to the ladies.  You don't want a cold rag on your pecker, so don't bring her a cold rag.  The only thing, he had soaped it up for me.  I didn't notice till too late.  So, I went to his front bathroom and rinsed the soap off real quick, hoping and praying I wasn't in for a breakout.  Rookie mistake on my part, I will have to watch out for that one. 

I asked him to do me a favor as I dressed and write me a little review.  He agreed.  He went to throw the condom in the trash.  But, you know, I knew he had a girl of some sort, he kept telling me to be quiet for a reason.  So, I suggested maybe the dumpster would be a better place to toss it.  He seemed to appreciate that. 

I headed out, thanking him, my butthole tender.  I texted Daddy to let him know I was all finished. And then, just like that I headed home. 

That was the only individual session I had this week.  Everyone else canceled. Bah!

I am going to cut this short.  I want to talk about the Gang Bang in a separate post. 
But, let me say this first....this is a few people who are becoming larger parts in my life.  I just want to mention them here so that when I refer to them in the future, they are known about.

First off, there is Big D....he is likely to be my exclusive photographer.  His work is excellent.  Beautiful stuff.  I can't say enough about his quality, creativity, and true understanding of his subject matter.  I am in awe of his talent.  I wish I could ever be that good with a camera. After much emailing, we have come up with a business plan of sorts, but, I see our personal/pleasure side of things blossoming as well.  I hope to go to Dallas soon for my first shoot.  I am sure I will have tons more to say about him after that occurs.  But, expect for now, that he will be a topic of future posts.  Also, I will be placing link backs to his portfolio on the sidebar soon.  If you don't like his work, there may be something wrong with you.  :)

Secondly, Tommy.  Tommy is a friend I met through hornymatches.com many months ago.  Through a series of events, my then master G forbade me contact with Tommy.  Now, several months after that relationship has needed, I contacted him, apologized for my behavior, filled him in on my doings and such, and he graciously forgave me.  We have resumed our blossoming friendship.  I enjoy talking with him.  He is full of advice and ideas.  He even played a huge role in some doings of this week.  I’ll tell more about this later.  (Thank You, Tommy!)

D - He had my back this Friday.  Of all of the friends I have had forever, he didn't leave me hanging.  I am eternally grateful. 

b - I have been kissed by her.  My heart flutters a little like butterfly wings every time I think of it.  Her smile in my mind is a rainbow of emotions, knowing, and wonder.  She has layers and I love them.  I wish I could peel them back one by one and kiss them and memorize them.  I spend far too much time chatting and chatting with her some days, when I am supposed to be doing other things. She is my favorite geek.  

Daddy- You already know about him don't you?  Well, Daddy is my always, forever, and he never ceasing to amaze me, he never stops loving me, and just when I think I can't possibly love him more, my heart just stretches and gets a little bigger.  I told someone this week, "You can never have my heart, but you might be able to someday have your own guestroom."  That is because if my heart were a house, then Daddy would own it.  Everything that goes in it or comes out of it belongs to him, proceeds from him, and returns to him.  He is the air I need to breathe, my life. 


That's all I have time for now.  I will post about the rest of the week later.  But, for now.  I have schoolwork to do, a webcam career to start, and Halloween's Events to prepare for.  My costume is in a box in Daddy's closet.  Butt spanking is imminent and I am so excited/nervous.  (In case you didn't know, my rear end is being put up for auction tonight to benefit our local club.) So...I have much to do...and no more time to update this journal. 

But, I will try to stop neglecting you, poor LJ.  :)