It was all very rational, each item I put in my cart. Each was going to save us money, make us more productive, make us healthier....
I put some stuff back, like the shower curtain, the bath mat, even the over the toilet shelf.
At some point, I realized that no more how I added it....it added up to too much.
Yet, I walked to the check out anyway. My mind began to question, was i stupid, on auto pilot, what the hell?
We couldn't afford these things, no matter the rationale. I was thinking about the last trip, 400 dollars. I was thinking about the look on joes face. I was thinking stop. I kept going. Like I wasnt in control. It made sense. I was smarter than this.
I even told thencashier that my husband was going to kill me. Aw, everybody says someone gonna. No my husband really would.

It feels bad to finally understand I don't know what to do. I don't know if it sucks more to not know what is going on or to be fully aware of it and still unable to do anything. I can see it all coming like a freight train. And I am powerless in front of it. Utterly powerful.

Friday, I was productive, yesterday less but angrier, today, mellancholy.....then walmart.....now depressed.....
What am I gonna do with me?

I'm so scared. I don't know how to save myself from the one thing I fear more than anything in the universe. I want to run so I don't hurt those I love. I want them to put me away.

I know and I understand now. Too late. I'm fucked.
How do you escape yourself?

It just hurt when he was angry at me. So much. I wanted to tell him that I didn't mean to. But my brain was still stuck in justification mode. It doesn't feel fair at at point. It doesn't feel fair for him to be angry at me either. I tried to stop. I couldn't help it. And that sounds like an excuse. I know it does. Believe me. I have heard them all. So what could I say? What can I say? How do I tell him that I am unraveling? Even though he can't see it.

I know this is only going to get worse. I'm aware of it. I know that counseling won't do a fuck lot of good. So what do I do? I may be physically here and healthy, but to me.....in my world. This is as good as death. I'm losing my mind, my will, my control over emotions and actions, and thoughts. I might as well be dying.

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