Suffice it to say, things changed. Really, in the space of the last few months. It's been a struggle getting here, where we are now, which is basically, still in the first stages of the dynamic. We didn't pick back up where we started off. We started over. We didn't walk in blind. We were aware of the ways it could go bad. Some of them, anyway. We had already done that. This time, there is reading, researching, communicating, and taking things slowly.
It's pretty much like when baking a lovely cake (of the kind which I don't know what it's called and don't feel like looking it up right now). If you keep opening the oven and checking it or take it out too soon or too fast, the cake is going to cave. But, with proper directions, proper care, patience, when you open the oven, you will be greeted by the delicious waft of yummy cake that doesn't go "ploof" when you set it on the counter. Or something like that.
It's like something has just broken open and everything that was pent up between us, is flowing, easier and easier. I haven't really wanted to talk about it much. Didn't want to jinx it. Hush, we all have our superstitions.
Thing is, I just wasn't ever ready to give up. I look all over the scene, at the on the web, and read of others in long term relationships making it work. Those people often talk openly and honestly, about their trials and thier triumphs. It's obvious that it CAN work. With that, and the knowledge or belief, that really there is nothing my husband and I cannot do together (except be millionaires or change my health issues, obviously), I would get to this point of giving up, and then, I just couldn't do it.
Somehow, and in some not usual and some downright fucked up ways, we found ourselves back here. It's scary. On every level, really. Mostly, I think that we will hurt ourselves again. There is a lot of other fear at play, too, of course.
But, we have hopes and dreams and needs and desires. It's sometimes too easy for him to let life pass him by day by day. But, I have never been so inclined. I'm not blaming. It's just a difference in personality.
For my part, my health is fucked. It's a day by day, sometimes minute by minute roller coaster of moods, pain, anxiety, ability to move, ability to focus, it just all sucks at different levels and is constantly shifting. I've become quite different than I used to be. I don't like it. But, I am trying to learn to live with it. Not just be alive. But, to find a way to LIVE. At least sometimes. Sometimes that requires spontaneity. We aren't so good with that. Well, there's a lot of things we aren't so good at. But, thing is, Im a fighter. I always have been. In his own way, so is he. Me and he, we have dreams. Most of them we'll probably never get to. But, this one maybe we can and maybe it will be the best dream come true.
"Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)
"He Wishes For the Cloths of Heaven"
Sometimes, we need to be gentle and slow. Sometimes, we need to tread softly on our own dreams.